Remembering the very first moment I heard that I was adopted and that the one I thought was my “real mom” wasn’t left me devastated. I was just a little 8 year old that had just had her world turned upside down due to the events that had taken place the week before and now these words would change my life forever. What you are about to read is from our unfinished yet overdue book of our lives.

It was late at night and everyone was asleep.  Mom and my brother were in the bed and I was just down the hall; I had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room.  The intruder crept around quietly knowing all details of our home.  Every night I would usually get up and get some water from the faucet in the kitchen sink.  My mom must have heard a noise because she began to say my name “Carmen is that you”?   Not a sound came from the kitchen.  Again in a very sleepy voice she said “Carmen honey, are you getting water”?   Still nothing she must have just had a feeling that someone was in there.

Having that gut wrenching feeling that moms always have when they know that something is going on that shouldn’t be; she got out of bed and walked quietly and slowly in the kitchen.  It was so quiet that she could actually hear her own heart beating as if it would pop out of her chest at any moment.  What she saw next sent her into a deep desperate fear.

There he stood standing in our kitchen.  My dad had broken into our home through the window in my little brother’s room.  We had changed the locks earlier so we knew he did not have a key.  I had been oblivious to what was going on while my little mind was fast asleep.  Due to the fears that had been imbedded in my heart as a child I was a very light sleeper.  I woke up slightly with my eyes squinting not wanting to look like I was awake.  I watched as my dad carried my mother over his shoulders out of the house.  Was I dreaming, how could this be?? I began shaking as if I were outside naked in the North Pole.

I began to hear my mom’s precious voice pleading with him.  His voice began to get loud and I could hear the tears dripping down my mom’s face through the sadness in her voice.  I got up from the couch and walked into the small little sunroom that you had to walk through to exit our home.  To the right it was lined with beautiful flowers.  At the time there was nothing beautiful about the place I found myself standing.   My heart began racing as I got up enough courage to open the screen door that separated just inches between me, my mom and my dad.

As I carefully cracked the door opened not wanting anyone to know I was there I saw my mom lying on her back in the flower bed.  My dad’s gorilla sized body over top of her with a knife cutting her throat.  My sweet innocent mom must have heard me and looked my way with weak desperate eyes.  Saying in a low courageous voice “Carmen go inside please everything will be okay”.

Not knowing what to do I listened to my mom.  I cautiously allowed the screen door to close.  I ran up the hall as fast as I possibly could grabbing the phone off the wall.  Breathing heavily and crying I called 911.   All I could do was scream out “My dad just killed my mom please help” I remember the operator asking me my address. In that moment time froze.  My mom had been teaching me my address since I could talk now all of the sudden nothing would come out of my mouth. I began to mumble numbers but they just weren’t making since.   I could not remember my address from my zip code.   I was getting them mixed up.  This was a time before your information instantly popped up on a screen.  Panicking I hung up the phone; I had a thought I could call my mom’s best friend down the street.  I could definitely remember her number.  I dialed the number, the phone began to ring and then I heard him coming.

My heart literally stopped beating.  I was frightened, I was trembling and I was just a little girl that had no idea what to do next.  I hung up the phone and ran directly into my mom’s bed and hid under the covers.  Scared that he would see me moving I remember vividly trying not to breath.  He was standing in the same room as I was.  I heard him get something and pick up the phone.  He had called my uncle Kenny and said “I just killed Luray, I am going to take her to a dump yard and then I am going to kill the kids and myself”.

He hung up the phone leaving my uncle no time to convince him otherwise.  As he walked down the hall I woke up my little brother and said “I think daddy just killed mommy be still”.  I remember holding him tightly and just crying trying to be the brave big 8 year old sister.  He was 5 at this time so I am not sure how much of what I was saying that he understood.  His small tiny little voice would often say “can we go get mommy”?  “No not yet just wait a little while longer and we will get her” I promised.

What my dad had done was slit my mom’s throat from her left ear to the middle of her neck.  Throwing her in the back of his blazer then running in the house to make the call would be the last time he would be able to ever hurt my mom again.  While he was in house my mom got out of the back blazer that had big ole red neck tires on it.  With her neck dangling to right she somehow crawled up our very steep driveway and to the front door of our neighbors house.  Knocking on the door desperately for help my mom never gave up.

Most people would have been defeated through this all but not my mom.  I think it is very possible that GOD sent HIS angels and they lifted her to a place of safety until the ambulance and police could get to her.  There is no way physically possible that she could have lifted her body up out of that oversized blazer.  How does a woman with her neck dangling off her body crawl up a steep hill after losing all that blood.  How does she do it in a perfect amount of time that just saves her from death?

While mom was in the hospital fighting for her life; I remember living with my grandparents.  They went ALL-OUT to make sure that life was somewhat normal for my brother and I.  We weren’t able to visit my mom for what seemed eternity.  She wasn’t in good shape and I guess they thought it was better if we did not see her this way.  My paw-paw would bring home notes that mom had written.  She was unable to speak for a while.  I would get so excited to see that notes where she had asked how I was doing and that she loved me.  I love hearing anything about my mom but more than anything in the whole world I just wanted to be with her.

Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse; I was down the street playing with one of my childhood friends when she spoke words to me that would radically change my feelings towards anyone I was suppose to trust; forever.  “Carmen you are adopted, your mom is not your real mother”.  She was just a couple of years older than me and was just repeating a conversation that she must have overheard her mom talking about.

I wanted so badly for this not to be true.  With tears streaming down my face I ran from her swing set up a small hill leading to the road.  With no shoes on I ran down this long gravel road until I reached my Granny’s house.  Out of breath from my mind being overwhelmed at the very words that had just been spoken to me I jumped into her arms and wailed.  Her soft touch comforted me enough that I was able to speak.  “Shannon told me I was adopted and that my mom was not my real mom” I softly spoke looking into her eyes with mine just begging her to say that this was not true.  Instead she said the exact opposite.  “Carmen you are adopted but that doesn’t mean that Luray is not your real mom” she said.

Life in a matter of weeks had rapidly turned into something I was not sure that I liked too much.  I watched my dad slit my mother’s throat, I had been sexually abused and now my mom wasn’t my real mom.  My whole life had become a lie in just a matter of seconds.

Fast forward to today in this very moment where I am right now. Have you ever as a child wanted something so badly then when you get it, its like way different than you expected? I waited 26 years for this and it happened today, I saw her face.

 I had a message in my inbox from a name I did not know. Her name is Molly. As I read her message I began to get chills. She is my cousin. She is the daughter of one of my biological mother’s sisters. Could this really be happening?? I have waited for so long to be connected to my biological family in some tiny way. I have always wondered what my biological mom looked like. Did I look like her were we in any way shape or form similar?

As I messaged my cousin back surprisingly she was still up. We are 8 hours ahead of where she lives. We began to talk and share a little bit of information with each other. Then they started to come, pictures. Oh my gosh she had pictures of the people I had heard about. She had pictures of the ones MY MOM tried to connect me back with to bring comfort and belonging to her teenage adopted daughter’s heart so many years ago. 

Then came the picture I had wondered about my whole life since learning I was adopted. It was her, the one God had chosen to give birth to me but yet I had no connection with her. WOW there she was a picture of this woman who I had always been so curious about. A woman whom had abandoned me and left this emptiness in my heart, a woman that I thought I would recognize but didn’t. I had envisioned seeing her the first time and having these overwhelming streams of attaching emotions but there were none. In this moment when I see her face the emotions that the enemy had lead to ruin my life were really of unimportance. She was human just like me.

My heart aches for her. I know only a few small parts of her story. Parts that are similar to those of my very own. Her mother abandoned her when she was a small child but not by choice. She died in her thirties of breast cancer. Her and her siblings had to go to an orphanage. The lies the enemy whispers to us as children to destroy any hope in our future,  I can’t imagine what she felt like.  I know that she was married to my biological dad and from reading above you know he had issues of his own that he needed to deal with.

Then marrying a man and having his children and starting this whole new life. A life that would have many secrets, one of them being my existence and what about the brother before me that you also abandoned and left behind. I have yet to meet him but I know he exist. The man she created this life with has just recently died of cancer and never knew about her other children.

My heart aches not at the fact that he did not know me but my heart is in deep pain for my biological mother that she has been living a lie for so many years. I know the enemy and I know his schemes and I hurt physically within the depths of my being creating such sadness that I just can't shake. The enemy is a liar and wants to keep us in bondage. I want this woman to be free. I want her to experience a peace in her heart. I want her to know that she is loved and she is forgiven for everything and that Jesus Christ is the only one who can give her this.

I can’t even begin to say that I know what she has been through because I have no idea. I only have a few stories that I have held onto since I was a child. All I can express right now is the sadness I have in my heart for her.

Lord this isn’t the way I thought it would be at all but I know that your plans and experiences are far greater than anything I can put together. Please Lord seek my heart expose to her the truths of your love for her. I may never meet her and I may never speak to her  but I know you will Lord . I know you can. Reach her Father, love her, care for her and fill her being with the very hope you have given me. Teach her who you are as a Father since she grew up knowing no such thing. Teach her your forgiveness and expose her to her very own ability to forgive herself. Teach her to trust you like she has never trusted anyone before. Change her Lord from the inside out. You know her and I don’t; do all that needs to take place so that she may know you sweet Jesus and have eternity in Heaven and peace here on earth.

God I thank you for this connection with my biological family. I look forward to building relationships with my cousins and my aunts Lord and if it’s your will one day meeting her face to face. If not I am grateful that on this very day you have given me a visual of the one you chose to create me.